Kathleen Norton

Need a laugh and a “lift” – try it the Brazilian way!

Posted on: May 20, 2014

Every day somebody is inventing stuff that would make George Jetson’s head spin.

 Somebody’s invented a 3D food printer that combines ingredients and produces something edible. Two engineering students came up with a better use for fungi than just being something you serve with crackers when company shows up or something you spray with bleach in the shower and hope it goes away.

 Both of these are cool, and it is about time that fungi got its due.

 But much as I’d like to see this happen, my Baby Boomer heart will never consider any gadget or invention better than then one that helped raise me – the TV.

 Ever go to a big-box store and check out the age range of the people watching the wall of TV sets? It’s not the under-40 crowd – they’re all checking out the gadgets they can stuff into a pocket. The gawkers at the TV wall are Boomers trying to figure out how to get the TV’s that are bigger than Rhode Island into the trunks of their cars.

 If Martians conquered Earth tomorrow, and demanded we give up all inventions of the past century, I wouldn’t blink for a second. It would be TV for this Boomer all the way.

 Sure, you can get it all on a computer now. But the Idiot Box had it all first, and we were the first generation to grow up with TV as a member of our circle of friends.

 I ask you Boomers, is there any better way to chill out than to lay around watching infomercials on a big TV screen and laughing your cares away? Come to think of it, if Martians did show, we could broadcast only infomercials for a few days as a strategy for saving the planet.

“Hopeless species,’’ they’d say. “Let’s cut our losses and head out.’’

Just last week on TV, I saw a stupid infomercial to top all stupid infomercials. It was for Brazil Butt Lift, an exercise routine touted as the “proven way to shape, lift and firm your booty!’’

It sort of sounds legitimate. There was only one problem. The testimonial experts, paid actors who pretended to have used Brazil Butt Lift, were walking around looking quite uncomfortable.

 To put it politely, they looked like they’d sat on something (think sharp object made out of wood and came off a tree and that it was still with them), if you get my drift. I swear the “after’’ results of Brazil Butt Lift were the most awkward-looking poses I’d ever seen.

One of the highlights of the infomercial was a pitch for “Bum Bum Rapido’’ an exercise that will help “Lift your butt fast!’’

 But wait! There’s More! (Sorry. The infomercial lingo is still stuck in my brain.)

 The Brazil Butt Lift people not only have an exercise video, they have a product called “Brazilian Butt Lifting Thermal Panty.’’ It looks like the girdle that every woman wore when I was growing up – with one little change. There are two circle cutouts exactly where the buttocks should be. Make it two little changes. Don’t ask me how this garment works, but my grandmother, who prided herself on a figure made trimmer by an industrial-strength girdle with no cutouts, would turn over in her grave at the sight of the Brazil Butt Lift girdle.

She’d also yell: “Turn off that Idiot Box. It’s turning your brain into mush.’’And I’m afraid I’d have to answer: “Too late, Grandma. Too late.’’

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