Kathleen Norton

So much tacky, so little time

Posted on: September 28, 2010

The 'brains' behind commercials

I have startling news.

Because of the incredible talent my pals have for finding all things tacky, an alarming situation has come to light.

Junior high schools have been infiltrated by ad executives who need crude material for commercials.

After all, what better way to find this stuff than to pick the brains of 13-year-old American boys?

Based on the tacky ads and commercials you sent me (and please keep them coming!) there can be no other explanation.

How else would anybody come up with the JCPenney ad for the “ULTIMATE UPSIZE” bra, which adds two sizes to what you’re already packin’ and promotes “EXTREME CLEAVAGE.”

I repeat — EXTREME CLEAVAGE.

Doesn’t ‘EXTREME CLEAVAGE’ sound like something a junior-high boy illustrated on his history notebook?

Only now, he can sell it to those ad execs lurking out in the parking lot. “Psst! Hey, kid,” they say. “Let us take that history notebook off your hands!”

It’s a win-win. The ad execs have plenty of trashy ideas to work with, and the hormone-crazed kid gets paid to doodle what he would have doodled anyway.

Now, let’s move on to the “Have a happy period!” commercial that several people reported on. This slogan has led to “Have a happy period! greeting cards.

I am not kidding. Click here to see.

To be fair, it is probably impossible to come up with a tactful idea for advertising feminine hygiene products. But there is nothing, and I mean nothing,  anyone can sell us that can live up to that slogan.

As one person put it: I am sure a man wrote that.

Next, we have Zestra, a female pleasure enhancing product that puts zing back in your swing.

So to speak.

I cannot go into details about how it works exactly except to quote the ad, “Before you know it, it takes you there!”

On the site, you will see testimonials and pictures of female customers who may have been “there” at the exact moment the camera clicked.

The ad did nothing for me until I saw the online coupon, which is always something to get excited about.

While the best of the worst commercials tend to be about women’s bodies, the ad that my pals found for AXE men’s body wash has leveled the playing field.

I tried to look at it online, but had to sign in and promise my firstborn grandchild, plus show proof of age.

(Not that I mind being carded. It’s been a long time.)

The commercial shows a beautiful woman demonstrating how well AXE cleans golf balls, then soccer balls — and it goes downhill from there.

The 13-year-old who hit the jackpot with this idea is probably running his own advertising agency.

Thanks to the pals who e-mailed about this, especially Cindy, who was braving an episode of the “Jersey Shore” “to see what my son finds so fascinating” when the AXE commercial came on.

That means poor Cindy saw Snooki, The Situation and the world’s tackiest commercial all at once.

This is more tackiness than one woman should have to endure. But she carried on for all of our sakes.

Bless you, Cindy. You may never be normal again.

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3 Responses to "So much tacky, so little time"

AXE – my 13 year old’s favorite body wash, spray deodorant, shampoo (for his crewcut), conditioner, combo shampoo and body wash, body spray………… and all in different “fragrances”.

Oh sweet mother. Preaching to the choir here! Our city has been OVERRUN with ridiculous condo ads lately. I blogged twice about two separate campaigns! ( http://blondemonde.com/?s=midtown )

hey Kathy, you hit this one – next tackle the ridiculousness that EVERYTHING is scented – and we wonder why we are
allergic. -why to sell products and antihistamines both.
thanks

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