Kathleen Norton

Hope(less) in a jar

Posted on: April 19, 2010

Turn back the clock!

In the drugstore, I cringe at all the creams that say “ANTI-AGING,”  “ANTI-WRINKLE” and “REVITALIZING.”

I cringe because women of a certain age hate one thing above all else – a reminder that they are women of a certain age.

And as I stand there, I declare: “The only things that are gonna ‘revitalize’ me are an appletini and a hunk of chocolate.”

But then I look both ways to see if anybody’s around and proceed to fill my basket with these promises-in-a-tube.

They go right next to my year’s supply of NUCLEAR STRENGTH ESTRO TABS.

I grumble that the names of  all these things are  so obnoxious, and that they are in big print, but I won’t admit that I couldn’t see them otherwise. Despite the fantasy in my mind, I am not 25 years old. Or 35 or 45 – and 55 is on the horizon.

My sister came upon one of these ill-named beauty creams on a trip out of town last week. She went into the bathroom of her guest and saw a bottle of moisturizer called MENOPAUSE AND BEYOND.

She thought of two things.

1.  Cartoon space guy Buzz Lightyear, who shouts, “TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!”

2.  The marketing twit who made up the name of the cream.

The second thought made her want to hurt something.

Badly.

She went to grab her Raging Hormone Toolkit, which contains a nifty, mini hatchet. She planned to do a Lizzie Borden on that bottle and chop it up to bits.

But she’d left the kit back home. So she did the next best thing. She called me on her cell to report the discovery of  MENOPAUSE AND BEYOND so we could laugh about it.

Me:  How stupid! Why do they think anybody would buy something with that name!

Her:  Who knows? Why not call it LAST DITCH MOISTURIZER?’

Me: I bet a 30-year-old guy thought of it!

Her:  Thirty! I’ll bet he was 20!

Me: Hahahaha!

“Oh,” we both said, “We are sooo clever! How do we stand ourselves!”

Then there was a pause.

Me: Umm…do you think that stuff works?

Her: I’ll let you know. I just slathered it on from head to foot!

She did not call back. I can only take that to mean there was no good news.

I don’t know why that surprises me because where these creams are concerned, there never is any good news.

They might as well all have one name, “GOOD LUCK SUCKER!”

Still, we keep buying and hoping. Buying and hoping.

I suppose if any of these face cream people were smart enough to turn back the clock for good, they’d be working for NASA. Not making useless face cream.

So my sister and I have a message for the makers of MENOPAUSE AND BEYOND if they want to sell more of their product: Take a cue from ol’ Buzz Lightyear.

On your bottle, put a picture of a perspiring, agitated, middle-age woman. Make sure she wears a superhero outfit that looks like it fit her better 10 years ago.

She should raise her fist in the air, and have a balloon over her head that says, “TO MENOPAUSE AND BEYOND! NEXT STOP, THE MORGUE!”

Then we will know that your cream, like all the others, won’t make us young. But at least we’ll get a laugh out of it.

And that, as they say, is priceless.

——–

(If you missed it, click here and check out Kathleen’s new  feature — Funny Stuff This Week!)

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8 Responses to "Hope(less) in a jar"

Aunt Kathy,
I had to laugh when I read this and pass this site on to you. It is a well know line of everything for your skin. I was in NYC this weekend and they tried to sell me HOPE in a Jar ha ha ha ..The names are priceless from this company and their products are awesome. Love you xxoxoox

http://www.philosophy.com/web/store/shop_10001_-1_10001

I’ll check back on you in 25 years and see how that cream is working out for ya!

Sometimes I wonder why they focus on wrinkles on our faces. Don’t those marketing whiz kids know that our failing eyes are the cure for facial wrinkles? I can still see my sagging butt, chest and stomch though. I totally see your reference to NASA. Please share any leads on anti-gravity lotion (with SPF of course!!). Now that might rank up there with appletinis!

I used a close-up mirror the other day…FRIGHTENING!

Kathy,
That was truly hysterical. Keep me informed of anything that might work, even a little!
I prefer to combine my chocolate and the -tini by getting the chocolate-tini.

Joan:
If I find something that works, we’ll call it “Sam’s Grams Miracle Cream” and split the proceeds. I’ve never tried a chocolate-tini…gotta get one!

This was great! I get a kick out of seeing the models on TV showing how well the cream/gel/ointment/lotion work. It obviously works well – but the models are in their early 20’s!!!Diane

Yes, and how about all those models who are barely 30 wearing MOB gowns in fashion ads??

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