Kathleen Norton

Goodbye Man Diet…Hello Girlfriend

Posted on: April 10, 2010

The 'No Oreo' Zone

Ladies, think twice before asking your man to put down an Oreo and pick up a carrot.

And be prepared if you want him to give up the Official Man Diet of sugar, fat and salt.

Once he stops eating like a boy and starts eating like a girl, things can get ugly.

I know. It just happened to me.

And instead of living with a middle-aged man who grumbles that his pants are tight as he reaches for the ice cream, I’m living with a middle-aged man who wants to talk about calories and carbohydrates and then drag me out shopping for his new clothes.

Who is this guy? He’s not the husband whose proud eating motto has always been:  “I never eat anything that comes out of the ground!”

Not that I’m unhappy he’s lost weight, feels better and has begun thinking of mushrooms as food and not fungus.

I’ve been lecturing him about these things for 30 years.

But I have plenty of girlfriends who want to know if their butts look OK in everything they wear. I did not count on getting another one now.

Hopefully, his weight loss euphoria will wear off fast.

Really fast.

I can’t stand much more of him lingering in the produce aisle so he can tell me about the wonders of veggies he couldn’t identify until two months ago.

Actually, he’s still confused about some of these.

Last week, he pointed to a cucumber and said, “I’m not sure you’re aware of  this, but spinach is really good for you.

Then he picked up a pineapple and said, “This advocado looks yummy!

The confusion aside, he was never the nutrition Nazi in the house. That was my job.

But who knew he was listening? It was like all those times I said we should spend more time with my relatives.

I’d talk. He’d pretend to listen. Nothing changed.

Dinner table conversation went like this:

Me: “How was your day? Eat the salad.”

”Him: “It was OK. Have we got more fries?”

Me: “Cut back on that stuff.”

Him: “Pass the salt. What’s for dessert?”

A few months ago, when he decided to change, it wasn’t easy. His first week without chocolate, I had to lock him in a room until the hallucinations stopped.

When he emerged, he had a new attitude, a new way of eating and a new interest in how he looked in the mirror.

It’s a lot like having a teenage girl in the house. He’s bubbly.  I’m annoyed.

Him: ”Sugar is evil! Bread has carbs!”

Me: “No kidding, Dr. Oz.”

Not wanting to be a totally bad sport, I did agree to try the diet, too. But this did not work out well because out local Girl Scout showed up with my order of coconut-covered, big-thighs-in-a-box.

I hid them and only stuffed my face when he wasn’t home. It was the least I could do.

He still can’t figure out why he lost 15 pounds and I lost a whopping 1.5, but when he gets over his love affair with string beans, he’ll realize I was fake dieting the whole time.

About the same time, he’ll realize that I was right all those years.

Maybe not about seeing the relatives.

But about broccoli? Dead on.

(If you missed it, click here and check out Kathleen’s new  feature — Funny Stuff This Week!)


4 Responses to "Goodbye Man Diet…Hello Girlfriend"

was the ice creme van choc straw???

Lately, it’s been low fat, low sugar van, choc and straw. Not bad!

Hey, maybe this “better eating idea” will wear off on his golf buddy?? One can only hope!

He could become the Jane Fonda of Men!

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